The Importance of Using Accountable Language

From the National Organization for Men Against Sexism

by Phyllis B. Frank and Barry Goldstein

This article was conceived because of the frequency with which leaders of our movement and presenters at conferences use unaccountable language in our presentations and proposals, even as they deeply care about ending men’s violence against women and have devoted their lives to helping women partnered with abusive men.

Like all tools of oppression, unaccountable language is conditioned into our psyches, taught and learned as appropriate vocabulary and in socially acceptable sentence structure. Thus, unaccountable language is part of everyday parlance of people acting in complete good faith in trying to end men's violence against women. We know this is true because as long as we have trained to avoid unaccountable language, we still sometimes make this error, as well. The movement to end domestic violence has not yet made the use of accountable language a priority. We hope this article will encourage all of us in the movement to do so. This is one program we can afford even in tight economic times.

Defining unaccountable language

Unaccountable language refers to the powerful messages embedded in all forms of speech and media that have all of us lapse into sentence structure that obscures perpetrators, minimizes their abuse, and supports blaming victims. One common example is the phrase “an abusive relationship." The relationship did not hit the woman, but rather it was the abuser, typically a man who is husband or intimate partner, who was abusive. Such statements make the person who committed the offense, invisible. More specifically it is the use of passive language that results in making the perpetrator invisible. For example, a phrase like a woman was raped should be replaced by, “A man raped a woman.” The rape did not just happen, but rather the rapist committed a brutal act. The idea is to focus attention on the person responsible. Accountably speaking we might say a woman was in a relationship with an abuser or he is abusive to his intimate partner. Another example is exposed by the question, “How many women will be raped or assaulted in this year?” Do we ever hear, “How many men will rape or assault this year?”

Other examples of the language of accountability

Once, when discussing accountable language during a staff training, we looked up on the wall to see a bumper sticker that said, "Every 15 seconds a woman is assaulted." Our objection at the time was not with the accuracy of the information but that the statement failed to focus on the cause of these assaults. "Every 15 seconds a man assaults a woman!" would be an accountable description.
During a dinner conversation, Barry, and his partner, Sharon, were discussing a series of disastrous calamities in their home caused by the builder who seemed to have deliberately sabotaged their house. After hearing about one emergency repair after another, Phyllis said it was the first time she actually understood the true meaning of an “abusive home“, since too often the phrase "abusive home" is misused to invisiblize a man who repeatedly abuses his partner in their home.
The police and media often refer to incidents in which a man brutalizes his wife or girl friend as a "domestic dispute." This describes a man's criminal assault as if it were some kind of mutual problem, even-sided engagement, or tame dispute, rather than an act of brutality. When a mugger assaults and robs a cab driver, it is not described as a "fare dispute."

Unaccountable language hides responsibility

The use of accountable language is not a technicality or merely a play on words, but rather an issue with profound social consequences. The systemic use of unaccountable language minimizes men's abuse of women, fails to take his abuse seriously, and hides his responsibility for his actions. If we say "a woman was hurt" it seems like it just happened, as if on its own accord, or by accident, and there is nothing to be done about it. If instead we refer to the man who is hurting the woman, this requires assigning responsibility and taking action to stop him from hurting her again and provide consequences for the harm he caused.
Domestic violence is comprised of a wide range of tactics used by men to maintain power and to control their intimate partners The tactics are part of a pattern of coercive actions designed to maintain, what he believes (consciously or not), are his male privileges, to control his significant other. Historically, men were assigned, by social and legal norms, control over wives and families. Today, even though that is no longer legally, and for so many, morally, the case, an "abusive relationship" or "domestic dispute" makes it seem like a communications or relationship problem between the parties. It suggests counseling or therapy as a remedy instead of consequences to hold abusers accountable for abusive, controlling, and/or violent tactics.

Social Consequences of unaccountable language

As a society our constant use of unaccountable language gives still another advantage to abusers. Unaccountable language, embedded in all dominant institutions, including the judicial system, leads police, prosecutors, defense attorneys, and judges in domestic violence custody cases to confidently assume that both parties share equal blame for not getting along. They often tell the parties they are equally responsible for the problems in the relationship and they must start to cooperate, get therapy, or anger management classes. When a mother attempts to protect her children or limit contact with an abusive father, she is routinely blamed for not getting along rather than recognized for what is a normal reaction to a partner's abuse.
If we are going to end or at least reduce the use of unaccountable language in this society, those of us working in the battered women's movement must take the lead and must set an example to use accountable language. Politicians often use phrases like "mistakes were made" Instead of saying, “I made a mistake.” We want society to be clear that men ,who abuse and mistreat the women they are partnered with, are responsible for their actions. We are asking presenters and others working to end domestic violence to join us in striving to use accountable language.

Dedication

Dedicated to our dear friend and colleague Jon Cohen, who worked with Phyllis B. Frank in developing the NY model for Batterers Programs, and with Barry Goldstein, to find many of the examples of unaccountable language in Barry’s first book, Scared to Leave Afraid to Stay.
Phyllis B. Frank, pbfrank@vcs-inc.org, www.nymbp.org
Barry Goldstein, Barryg78@aol.com, www.civicresearchinstitute.com/dvac.html

Art & Domestic Violence: Marketing 101

Following in the hailstorm of controversy and media attention Sarah Cameron of Fluid Hair Salon, Tyler Shields and Glee actress, Heather Morris are the latest members of Gen-Y to utilize the “image” of a Domestic Violence Victim for their expressions of art.  

Understandably, Mr. Shields has and always will be a perpetrator of controversy. It maximizes profit. The lure of violence and ‘sexy’ women, portrayed under the guise of art is fast becoming a useful and instantaneous global advertising technique.  

To make acceptable by the masses, this marketing strategy is best utilized if the person of controversy feigns shock at the backlash, quickly apologizes and then pledges to donate money to a Domestic Violence-type cause.  

Pictures of women with bruised and bloody eyes has become predictable – media commenting on pictures of women with bruised and bloody eyes black is equally predictable - and at this point – simply boring. 

Like children seeking attention... if the positive is not forthcoming, children utilize negative. 

Like parents teaching respect... let’s no longer give it to them. 

Following the backlash from domestic violence advocates:

1. Cameron and Shields feigned shock yet simultaneously acknowledged indifference;
2. Both deployed the typical non-apology of “I don`t regret the image but I regret if anyone might be offended” and;
3. Both predictably pledging to donate to a Domestic Violence organization.

Cameron, Shields/Morris and their supporters maintain society is too sensitive and they are not responsible for someone’s interpretation of “art”. Heather Morris of Glee has remained noticeably silent.

It isn’t art to victims of domestic violence. It is a photo; it is a picture – a mirror image of themselves, a reflection of pain, humiliation and suffering. No one is being too sensitive, they are reliving trauma. PTSD is prevalent among victims of domestic violence but statistics may never reveal the true and accurate extent and depth of this debilitating disease. 

If a victim of 9/11 was portrayed – jumping from a window in fear - would that be ok? It’s been 10 years; people must be over it by now?  

Cameron chose to beautify domestic violence to advertise her hairdressing skills, Shields/Morris chose to sell pictures of a “bruised-up Barbie” (doll) and the media chose to give them the controversy they heartlessly inspired to achieve. It’s Marketing 101 - Cause and Effect, in which an action or event will produce a certain response to the action in the form of another event. It’s also Parenting 101. 

Like children seeking attention... if the positive is not forthcoming, children utilize negative.  

Like parents teaching respect... collectively, let’s no longer give it to them.

By: Lisa A. MacLeod, Women at Risk Advocate, Founder of Help Open Pandora’s Box

How to Understand "Why"

"No matter what difficulty you are facing, it is coming from Divine Light to bring you to a higher place.

Write down every conceivable reason that this situation can contribute towards your growth.

Write down every way this experience can possibly set the stage for serving to uplift others.

When you are complete, and have come to the other side of this experience...

You will know "why" it happened."

-- Barbara Rose

Last To Say.. Please Don't Stay

"The Last To Say"
by Atmosphere

As far back as he cares to remember,
He used to see his old man lose the temper.
And Mama's pretty face'd catch it all.
On a regular basis the nest would fall.
But he was always safe from dad's rage
'Cause mama's sacrifice in his place.
Two dozen years, Of the blood sweet and tears.
Avoid the mirror, losin' her hair from the fear.
She never left him, stayed inside.
He beat her ass up until the day that he died.
In fact the biggest beating was the day that he died.
Cause now it's too late for her to make a new life.
She gets to mourn for the touch of a punch.
Won't ever admit that she ain't clutching it much.
Some day she'll die and still won't be done.
The anger lives on through their son.

Cause he saw, he caught it all,
A childhood of watchin' ma and pa get raw.
It's too bad for him; Naw' that's half the truth.
Cause you back with him now and he's smackin' you.
What happened to you? You don't have a clue.
Did your mamma use to suffer accidents too?
I never knew that you would stand for abuse.
I guess I just assumed that you would pack up and move.
Think about when you left him, Last time,
You said out loud, You'd never forgive past crime.
Sunglasses so dark, scarf around the neck to cover the choke marks.
And since you got it justify returnin',
You convinced yourself that he's just a hurt person.
You wanna blame that cross he bares,
But his pop's not there when he tosses you down stairs.

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.
Let me be the last to say, you won't be okay.

Please put your shoes on and step into that warm weather.
Go get yourself a more better forever.
Gotta put it down, you gotta leave it,
And don't ever come back again; You gotta mean it.
Just tear it all apart and build new,
Cause' if you don't kill him he's gonna kill you.
You can't hold hands when they make fists,
And I ain't the first to say this but,

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.
Let me be the last to say, you won't be okay.
Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.

Look Good in All You Do

Over the past couple weeks, Fluid Hair Salon has come under a firestorm of criticism and threats due to their choice of visual images manifested for an ad campaign entitled, “Look Good in All You Do.”

Two young ladies, the owner Sarah Cameron (25 years) and her friend, acting as creative consultant, Tiffany Jackson (27 years) have posted statements on the salon’s blog to clarify their intent and try and bring some sense of calm back into their lives. Tiffany’s mother has also posted a statement, which in itself indicates exactly how young these ladies are simply as business professionals. The salon has since been vandalized and Sarah, herself has been warned by police about her safety and to not be alone.

“Hate begets hate; violence begets violence; toughness begets a greater toughness. We must meet the forces of hate with the power of love... Our aim must never be to defeat or humiliate (the white man), but to win his friendship and understanding.”

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. … Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” (Rev. Dr. M.L. King, Jr (1929 – 1968))

A decade ago, 15 and 17 respectively, these lades were both impressionable teenagers. Tiffany disclosed she endured 4 years of abuse at about this same time and is a survivor of domestic violence. Part of the Y generation, or more correctly, the Y-Not Generation, they watched along with the rest of us the transition from “that can only happens in the movies” to... "No, it can happen."

Society must acknowledge that this generation has not yet had the life experiences to temper the acceptable and the unacceptable. They have been born into and/or grown up with terrorism and war. What used to be an R-rated game monitored by parents is now actually broadcast live 24/7. The unreal  - is now real.

It appears this generation is immune to what is offensive and what is not. It is no longer a judgement issue or a moral issue - it is a life experience issue and the individual’s perspective thereof. Fashion, art or any other form of creative expression is deemed through emotions - a catalytic medium for an individual’s perspective reflected and thus subjectively felt by the targeted audience.

To Sarah and Tiffany, if you sincerely wanted to bring awareness to Domestic Violence as you claim, the woman in the photo would be standing - portraying strength; not sitting submissively with a gaunt, terrified look. The man would be in handcuffs with an equally coiffed police officer dragging him away.

That image is one of empowerment. That image is one of strength and that image is one warning anyone who exerts force over another will be arrested. That image is also one this author has personally never ever seen reflected in advertising. (hint, hint)

Ask yourself, Y-Not?

Look good in all you do.

By: Lisa A. MacLeod, Women at Risk Advocate and Founder of Help Open Pandora’s Box

Light and Darkness

Today's Reading..


"Theology Alive"
(August 27 - "My Utmost for His Highest", Daily Readings)

"Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you."  John xii.35.

"Beware of not acting upon what you see in your moments on the mount with God. If you do not obey the light, it will turn to darkness... The second you waive the question of sanctification or any other thing upon which God gave you light, you begin to get dry rot in your spiritual life. Continually bring the truth out into actuality; work it out in every domain, or the very light you have will prove a curse.

The most difficult person to deal with is the one who has smug satisfaction of an experience to which he can refer back, but who is not working it out in practical life. If you say you are sanctified, show it. The experience must be so genuine that it is shown in the life. Beware of any belief that makes you self-indulgent; it came from the pit, no matter how beautiful it sounds.

Theology must work itself  out in the most practical relationships. "Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness  of the Scribe's and Pharisees..." said Our Lord, i.e. you must be more moral than the most moral being you know. You may know all about the doctrine of sanctification, but are you running it out into the practical issues of your life? Every bit of your life, physical, moral and spiritual, is to be judged by the standard of Atonement."

If you need to breathe..

7 Signs You're in a Manipulative Relationship

By Colleen Oakley, MyDaily.com

Christine Donovan knew something wasn't right in her relationship when she didn't want to go home from work. "I felt anxious all the time," she says. "I never knew what kind of mood he would be in, or if I had unknowingly done something that would have upset him." But Christine wasn't in an abusive relationship -- at least none that she had ever seen. "He didn't hit me or get violently angry. I just thought we were having normal relationship problems that we needed to work through," she says.

The type of guy Christine was dealing with is all too common, but there's nothing "normal" about it, says Dr. Mary Casey, author of "How to Deal With Master Manipulators". "Manipulators aim to control their partners by pressing the buttons that get them emotional, whether it be making them feel afraid, unworthy, stupid, insecure, angry or frustrated," she says. But because manipulators are typically passive-aggressive in their tactics, unlike domestic abuse, it can be difficult to tell when you're in a manipulative relationship. "While abuse is obvious, victims of manipulation don't even realize they are being manipulated because the manipulator masks their behavior as positive, caring and nurturing," she says.

 If you're sad more often than happy in your relationship and something feels wrong but you just can't put your finger on it, read on to see if you might be shacking up with a manipulative partner -- and what you can do about it.

7 Signs You Might be Dating a Manipulator:

1. You're always falling short of your partner's expectations.
In an argument, the person being manipulated is often made to feel they are the ones at fault all of the time, says Casey. But what's really going on is the manipulator is shifting the blame onto them and detracting in subtle, hard-to-detect ways. They'll commonly say things like, "So we're going to have the big interrogation are we?" or "Are you going to get all emotional again?"

2. You often feel guilty in your relationship and are always looking to repair the "damage."
The manipulator is skilled at making people feel this way by saying things like "I spent all this money on this gift for you, and look how you thank me" or "You have trust issues -- why don't you trust me?"

3. You don't often know where you stand with your partner.
A manipulative partner often uses concealed or open threats to keep his girlfriend anxious and holding onto the relationship, says Casey. He might use statements such as "I don't even know why I'm here anymore; this isn't working for me."

4. You often feel like you're walking on eggshells around him (or her).
Maybe sometimes you're given lots of love and affections; at other times you're given the cold shoulder for no apparent reason, says Casey.

5. You feel confused in the relationship and keep questioning or blaming yourself for making your partner angry or frustrated. Manipulators are skilled at never being to blame for any problem in a relationship.

6. You're unhappy in your relationship at least 90 percent of the time.
This is a big red flag for anyone in a relationship -- whether you're with a manipulator or not, it's time to reevaluate why you're with that person.

7. You're anxious about telling your partner your plans or about something you've bought. If this is the case, you're most likely being controlled and manipulated, says Casey.


If a few or more of these statements described your relationship, you're likely with a manipulator, and the bad news is, he is unlikely to change.

"Manipulation is a learned behavior -- no one is born with it. It's very much a survival strategy learned from early childhood and therefore changing the behavior is near impossible," says Casey. "Your time is better invested in developing strategies to protect yourselves, because you can never change a manipulator's actions.

In other words, dump the jerk and then look into how you attracted him in the first place. "Women who attract manipulators tend to lack self-worth and assertiveness, and they tend to be people pleasers," says Casey. "They trust to the point of ignorance and therefore do not realize that they are being manipulated until they have been in emotional turmoil for some time. It can often be years before they see the situation for what it really is."

But once you do recognize it, you can put a stop to it. "First, take responsibility and own up to being a victim and a target," says Casey. "Admit your flaws to yourself. And most importantly, get out of the relationship and become who you really are; not something someone else wants you to be."

Colleen Oakley is a freelance writer who is still pretty good at manipulating her dad -- although, he never did buy her a pony. You can find out more about her at her website.


http://www.mydaily.com/2011/03/16/manipulative-relationship-signs-master-manipulator/

Muslim Wheel of Domestic Violence

The Muslim Wheel of Domestic Violence was developed by Dr. Sharifa Alkhateeb. It conveys some of the ways religion can be distorted to justify abuse against women and children in the family context. It is an adaptation of the Power and Control Wheel developed by the Domestic Abuse Project of Duluth, Minnesota.