Lost Innocence
For days on end
A child cried
Nowhere to run
No
place to hide
The tears were silent
A stone face shown
People all
around
Yet she was alone
What happened to her
She didn't
tell
But survived alone
In her private hell
The shame now
there
A childhood ruined
With no idea
It wasn't her doing
She
did not know
About birds and bees
She just thought
They belonged in
trees
He invaded some places
Foreign to her
She didn't
protest
She did not stir
All she thought was
This is wrong
But
couldn't move
He was too strong
She let it happen
She's to
blame
She never expected
To feel such shame
For days on end
She
felt guilt
If she told
A family would tilt
The fear now
there
Buried deep inside
Even if asked
She would have
lied
Living in silence
Until this day
Now she knows
What she
must say
It is her duty
To now tell
So other children
Not endure
her hell
By Lisa A. MacLeod
Showing posts with label Healing: Words. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing: Words. Show all posts
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Importance of Using Accountable Language
From the National Organization for Men Against Sexism
by Phyllis B. Frank and Barry Goldstein
This article was conceived because of the frequency with which leaders of our movement and presenters at conferences use unaccountable language in our presentations and proposals, even as they deeply care about ending men’s violence against women and have devoted their lives to helping women partnered with abusive men.
Like all tools of oppression, unaccountable language is conditioned into our psyches, taught and learned as appropriate vocabulary and in socially acceptable sentence structure. Thus, unaccountable language is part of everyday parlance of people acting in complete good faith in trying to end men's violence against women. We know this is true because as long as we have trained to avoid unaccountable language, we still sometimes make this error, as well. The movement to end domestic violence has not yet made the use of accountable language a priority. We hope this article will encourage all of us in the movement to do so. This is one program we can afford even in tight economic times.
Defining unaccountable language
Unaccountable language refers to the powerful messages embedded in all forms of speech and media that have all of us lapse into sentence structure that obscures perpetrators, minimizes their abuse, and supports blaming victims. One common example is the phrase “an abusive relationship." The relationship did not hit the woman, but rather it was the abuser, typically a man who is husband or intimate partner, who was abusive. Such statements make the person who committed the offense, invisible. More specifically it is the use of passive language that results in making the perpetrator invisible. For example, a phrase like a woman was raped should be replaced by, “A man raped a woman.” The rape did not just happen, but rather the rapist committed a brutal act. The idea is to focus attention on the person responsible. Accountably speaking we might say a woman was in a relationship with an abuser or he is abusive to his intimate partner. Another example is exposed by the question, “How many women will be raped or assaulted in this year?” Do we ever hear, “How many men will rape or assault this year?”
Other examples of the language of accountability
Once, when discussing accountable language during a staff training, we looked up on the wall to see a bumper sticker that said, "Every 15 seconds a woman is assaulted." Our objection at the time was not with the accuracy of the information but that the statement failed to focus on the cause of these assaults. "Every 15 seconds a man assaults a woman!" would be an accountable description.
During a dinner conversation, Barry, and his partner, Sharon, were discussing a series of disastrous calamities in their home caused by the builder who seemed to have deliberately sabotaged their house. After hearing about one emergency repair after another, Phyllis said it was the first time she actually understood the true meaning of an “abusive home“, since too often the phrase "abusive home" is misused to invisiblize a man who repeatedly abuses his partner in their home.
The police and media often refer to incidents in which a man brutalizes his wife or girl friend as a "domestic dispute." This describes a man's criminal assault as if it were some kind of mutual problem, even-sided engagement, or tame dispute, rather than an act of brutality. When a mugger assaults and robs a cab driver, it is not described as a "fare dispute."
Unaccountable language hides responsibility
The use of accountable language is not a technicality or merely a play on words, but rather an issue with profound social consequences. The systemic use of unaccountable language minimizes men's abuse of women, fails to take his abuse seriously, and hides his responsibility for his actions. If we say "a woman was hurt" it seems like it just happened, as if on its own accord, or by accident, and there is nothing to be done about it. If instead we refer to the man who is hurting the woman, this requires assigning responsibility and taking action to stop him from hurting her again and provide consequences for the harm he caused.
Domestic violence is comprised of a wide range of tactics used by men to maintain power and to control their intimate partners The tactics are part of a pattern of coercive actions designed to maintain, what he believes (consciously or not), are his male privileges, to control his significant other. Historically, men were assigned, by social and legal norms, control over wives and families. Today, even though that is no longer legally, and for so many, morally, the case, an "abusive relationship" or "domestic dispute" makes it seem like a communications or relationship problem between the parties. It suggests counseling or therapy as a remedy instead of consequences to hold abusers accountable for abusive, controlling, and/or violent tactics.
Social Consequences of unaccountable language
As a society our constant use of unaccountable language gives still another advantage to abusers. Unaccountable language, embedded in all dominant institutions, including the judicial system, leads police, prosecutors, defense attorneys, and judges in domestic violence custody cases to confidently assume that both parties share equal blame for not getting along. They often tell the parties they are equally responsible for the problems in the relationship and they must start to cooperate, get therapy, or anger management classes. When a mother attempts to protect her children or limit contact with an abusive father, she is routinely blamed for not getting along rather than recognized for what is a normal reaction to a partner's abuse.
If we are going to end or at least reduce the use of unaccountable language in this society, those of us working in the battered women's movement must take the lead and must set an example to use accountable language. Politicians often use phrases like "mistakes were made" Instead of saying, “I made a mistake.” We want society to be clear that men ,who abuse and mistreat the women they are partnered with, are responsible for their actions. We are asking presenters and others working to end domestic violence to join us in striving to use accountable language.
Dedication
Dedicated to our dear friend and colleague Jon Cohen, who worked with Phyllis B. Frank in developing the NY model for Batterers Programs, and with Barry Goldstein, to find many of the examples of unaccountable language in Barry’s first book, Scared to Leave Afraid to Stay.
Phyllis B. Frank, pbfrank@vcs-inc.org, www.nymbp.org
Barry Goldstein, Barryg78@aol.com, www.civicresearchinstitute.com/dvac.html
by Phyllis B. Frank and Barry Goldstein
This article was conceived because of the frequency with which leaders of our movement and presenters at conferences use unaccountable language in our presentations and proposals, even as they deeply care about ending men’s violence against women and have devoted their lives to helping women partnered with abusive men.
Like all tools of oppression, unaccountable language is conditioned into our psyches, taught and learned as appropriate vocabulary and in socially acceptable sentence structure. Thus, unaccountable language is part of everyday parlance of people acting in complete good faith in trying to end men's violence against women. We know this is true because as long as we have trained to avoid unaccountable language, we still sometimes make this error, as well. The movement to end domestic violence has not yet made the use of accountable language a priority. We hope this article will encourage all of us in the movement to do so. This is one program we can afford even in tight economic times.
Defining unaccountable language
Unaccountable language refers to the powerful messages embedded in all forms of speech and media that have all of us lapse into sentence structure that obscures perpetrators, minimizes their abuse, and supports blaming victims. One common example is the phrase “an abusive relationship." The relationship did not hit the woman, but rather it was the abuser, typically a man who is husband or intimate partner, who was abusive. Such statements make the person who committed the offense, invisible. More specifically it is the use of passive language that results in making the perpetrator invisible. For example, a phrase like a woman was raped should be replaced by, “A man raped a woman.” The rape did not just happen, but rather the rapist committed a brutal act. The idea is to focus attention on the person responsible. Accountably speaking we might say a woman was in a relationship with an abuser or he is abusive to his intimate partner. Another example is exposed by the question, “How many women will be raped or assaulted in this year?” Do we ever hear, “How many men will rape or assault this year?”
Other examples of the language of accountability
Once, when discussing accountable language during a staff training, we looked up on the wall to see a bumper sticker that said, "Every 15 seconds a woman is assaulted." Our objection at the time was not with the accuracy of the information but that the statement failed to focus on the cause of these assaults. "Every 15 seconds a man assaults a woman!" would be an accountable description.
During a dinner conversation, Barry, and his partner, Sharon, were discussing a series of disastrous calamities in their home caused by the builder who seemed to have deliberately sabotaged their house. After hearing about one emergency repair after another, Phyllis said it was the first time she actually understood the true meaning of an “abusive home“, since too often the phrase "abusive home" is misused to invisiblize a man who repeatedly abuses his partner in their home.
The police and media often refer to incidents in which a man brutalizes his wife or girl friend as a "domestic dispute." This describes a man's criminal assault as if it were some kind of mutual problem, even-sided engagement, or tame dispute, rather than an act of brutality. When a mugger assaults and robs a cab driver, it is not described as a "fare dispute."
Unaccountable language hides responsibility
The use of accountable language is not a technicality or merely a play on words, but rather an issue with profound social consequences. The systemic use of unaccountable language minimizes men's abuse of women, fails to take his abuse seriously, and hides his responsibility for his actions. If we say "a woman was hurt" it seems like it just happened, as if on its own accord, or by accident, and there is nothing to be done about it. If instead we refer to the man who is hurting the woman, this requires assigning responsibility and taking action to stop him from hurting her again and provide consequences for the harm he caused.
Domestic violence is comprised of a wide range of tactics used by men to maintain power and to control their intimate partners The tactics are part of a pattern of coercive actions designed to maintain, what he believes (consciously or not), are his male privileges, to control his significant other. Historically, men were assigned, by social and legal norms, control over wives and families. Today, even though that is no longer legally, and for so many, morally, the case, an "abusive relationship" or "domestic dispute" makes it seem like a communications or relationship problem between the parties. It suggests counseling or therapy as a remedy instead of consequences to hold abusers accountable for abusive, controlling, and/or violent tactics.
Social Consequences of unaccountable language
As a society our constant use of unaccountable language gives still another advantage to abusers. Unaccountable language, embedded in all dominant institutions, including the judicial system, leads police, prosecutors, defense attorneys, and judges in domestic violence custody cases to confidently assume that both parties share equal blame for not getting along. They often tell the parties they are equally responsible for the problems in the relationship and they must start to cooperate, get therapy, or anger management classes. When a mother attempts to protect her children or limit contact with an abusive father, she is routinely blamed for not getting along rather than recognized for what is a normal reaction to a partner's abuse.
If we are going to end or at least reduce the use of unaccountable language in this society, those of us working in the battered women's movement must take the lead and must set an example to use accountable language. Politicians often use phrases like "mistakes were made" Instead of saying, “I made a mistake.” We want society to be clear that men ,who abuse and mistreat the women they are partnered with, are responsible for their actions. We are asking presenters and others working to end domestic violence to join us in striving to use accountable language.
Dedication
Dedicated to our dear friend and colleague Jon Cohen, who worked with Phyllis B. Frank in developing the NY model for Batterers Programs, and with Barry Goldstein, to find many of the examples of unaccountable language in Barry’s first book, Scared to Leave Afraid to Stay.
Phyllis B. Frank, pbfrank@vcs-inc.org, www.nymbp.org
Barry Goldstein, Barryg78@aol.com, www.civicresearchinstitute.com/dvac.html
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
How to Understand "Why"
"No matter what difficulty you are facing, it is coming from Divine Light to bring you to a higher place.
Write down every conceivable reason that this situation can contribute towards your growth.
Write down every way this experience can possibly set the stage for serving to uplift others.
When you are complete, and have come to the other side of this experience...
You will know "why" it happened."
-- Barbara Rose
Write down every conceivable reason that this situation can contribute towards your growth.
Write down every way this experience can possibly set the stage for serving to uplift others.
When you are complete, and have come to the other side of this experience...
You will know "why" it happened."
-- Barbara Rose
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Last To Say.. Please Don't Stay
"The Last To Say"
by Atmosphere
by Atmosphere
As far back as he cares to remember,
He used to see his old man lose the temper.
And Mama's pretty face'd catch it all.
On a regular basis the nest would fall.
But he was always safe from dad's rage
'Cause mama's sacrifice in his place.
Two dozen years, Of the blood sweet and tears.
Avoid the mirror, losin' her hair from the fear.
She never left him, stayed inside.
He beat her ass up until the day that he died.
In fact the biggest beating was the day that he died.
Cause now it's too late for her to make a new life.
She gets to mourn for the touch of a punch.
Won't ever admit that she ain't clutching it much.
Some day she'll die and still won't be done.
The anger lives on through their son.
Cause he saw, he caught it all,
A childhood of watchin' ma and pa get raw.
It's too bad for him; Naw' that's half the truth.
Cause you back with him now and he's smackin' you.
What happened to you? You don't have a clue.
Did your mamma use to suffer accidents too?
I never knew that you would stand for abuse.
I guess I just assumed that you would pack up and move.
Think about when you left him, Last time,
You said out loud, You'd never forgive past crime.
Sunglasses so dark, scarf around the neck to cover the choke marks.
And since you got it justify returnin',
You convinced yourself that he's just a hurt person.
You wanna blame that cross he bares,
But his pop's not there when he tosses you down stairs.
Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.
Let me be the last to say, you won't be okay.
Please put your shoes on and step into that warm weather.
Go get yourself a more better forever.
Gotta put it down, you gotta leave it,
And don't ever come back again; You gotta mean it.
Just tear it all apart and build new,
Cause' if you don't kill him he's gonna kill you.
You can't hold hands when they make fists,
And I ain't the first to say this but,
Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.
Let me be the last to say, you won't be okay.
Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Light and Darkness
Today's Reading..
"Theology Alive"
(August 27 - "My Utmost for His Highest", Daily Readings)
"Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you." John xii.35.
"Beware of not acting upon what you see in your moments on the mount with God. If you do not obey the light, it will turn to darkness... The second you waive the question of sanctification or any other thing upon which God gave you light, you begin to get dry rot in your spiritual life. Continually bring the truth out into actuality; work it out in every domain, or the very light you have will prove a curse.
The most difficult person to deal with is the one who has smug satisfaction of an experience to which he can refer back, but who is not working it out in practical life. If you say you are sanctified, show it. The experience must be so genuine that it is shown in the life. Beware of any belief that makes you self-indulgent; it came from the pit, no matter how beautiful it sounds.
Theology must work itself out in the most practical relationships. "Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the Scribe's and Pharisees..." said Our Lord, i.e. you must be more moral than the most moral being you know. You may know all about the doctrine of sanctification, but are you running it out into the practical issues of your life? Every bit of your life, physical, moral and spiritual, is to be judged by the standard of Atonement."
"Theology Alive"
(August 27 - "My Utmost for His Highest", Daily Readings)
"Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you." John xii.35.
"Beware of not acting upon what you see in your moments on the mount with God. If you do not obey the light, it will turn to darkness... The second you waive the question of sanctification or any other thing upon which God gave you light, you begin to get dry rot in your spiritual life. Continually bring the truth out into actuality; work it out in every domain, or the very light you have will prove a curse.
The most difficult person to deal with is the one who has smug satisfaction of an experience to which he can refer back, but who is not working it out in practical life. If you say you are sanctified, show it. The experience must be so genuine that it is shown in the life. Beware of any belief that makes you self-indulgent; it came from the pit, no matter how beautiful it sounds.
Theology must work itself out in the most practical relationships. "Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the Scribe's and Pharisees..." said Our Lord, i.e. you must be more moral than the most moral being you know. You may know all about the doctrine of sanctification, but are you running it out into the practical issues of your life? Every bit of your life, physical, moral and spiritual, is to be judged by the standard of Atonement."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
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